Which Team Is The Heaviest? An Investigation Into The Average Weight Of NFL Teams…Because Why Not

The NFL is a wonderful league with several giant human beings running into each other all in the name of getting a pointed ball into a 10 yard-long x 53 1/3 yard-wide area of grassy field. When I put it like that it doesn’t really emphasise just how bizarre this sport can be. Therefore, we here at Stiff Upper Lip decided to do something quite frankly a bit odd. Well, we didn’t, but Dr Bozwozler did and he counts right?

Ladies, Gentlemen, and other pronouns - Welcome to Hell:

Now, if you think “this graph looks like the scrawling of a mad man”, you’d be damn correct. As I sit in my office at 7:57pm on a Friday night, exhausted and possibly a tad deranged, I feel somewhat consumed by the data in front of me.

Let me explain: this is a graph where every line represents every NFL roster, including both active and reserve members of the squad, and along the XY each dot represent the weight of every individual player on that roster. That little black spike at the top, separate to all the rest of the graph? That is Oakland (soon to be Las Vegas) Raiders’ Tackle Trent Brown, who is the heaviest player in the entire NFL at 380lbs. How about the flick at the bottom left? That, my friends, is LA Rams Wide Receiver JoJo Natson who is the lightest player FAR AND AWAY at a somewhat measly 153lbs.

This all probably seems somewhat pointless, and in reality - it is! But at the same time, doesn’t the mental-ness of the thing make it even more worth it? I mean someone had to, so why not us?

This table of data is 1969 players’ weights in lbs and it is gloriously confusing:

What this scrabbling of numbers on an excel spreadsheet tells us though is that…

(drumroll please)

The heaviest Franchise in the NFL as of their Week 7 rosters is…


Of course, it had to be them; they’re almost laughing at me! It wasn’t even close.

At an average weight of a rather nice 253.75lbs, the Cincinnati Bengals topped the charts for overall weight among their team. Their heaviest player being Tackle Cordy Glenn – just 345lbs. He wasn’t the heaviest player in the league, but they had 3 players above 340lbs+ and that just swung the scales in their favour.

The lightest team? The Atlanta Falcons at 239.78 lbs, a whopping 13.962122 lbs lighter on average than the Cincinnati Bengals. The records of these teams? The Bengals are 0-7, the Falcons are 1-6. All that data, all the ugly graphs, all the scouring for the stats and it culminates in the Cincinnati Bengals being in the top spot by a considerable margin. You know I do sometimes wonder why I do these things…

So what about quarterbacks? Well I also happened to pull out the data for every team’s quarterback too, and just how much they weigh. Now as a warning, these results might shock you:

Kirk “YOU LIKE THAT?!” Cousins is the league’s lightest quarterback. Bear in mind that I doubt has taken into account the probably 86lb weight loss undertaken by Sam Darnold in his bout of Mono, because from what I understand these weights are taken BEFORE the season started. Maybe Cousins just happened to be trying to qualify for the cruiserweight division in the WWE and chose to not eat or something, who knows.

This isn’t the real story here though. No, the real story here is look right in that middle section… He’s there again isn’t he? The man who is mediocrity personified can’t even make his weight interesting about himself. Andy freaking Dalton. Sat there in 17th on the weight list. I feel like it’s a cruel joke now, surely the narratives can’t keep writing themselves?

Andy Dalton, ‘Courtesy of ESPN’

If you wish to review this mess of a data storm then feel very free:

I can’t take it anymore.

By Thomas Chappell / Edited by Emma Hebron


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